South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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