Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
