I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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