Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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