Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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