I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize