Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Im part way to drunk.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
