If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
