Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
