I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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