I could make wine with my vomit
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
