I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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