I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
