When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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