Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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