The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Two words: blizzard sex
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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