I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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