First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
