the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
