I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
