I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
