i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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