I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
