she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Best friends brother. Beat that.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
