Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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