Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
