Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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