I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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