literally had 100 drinks last night.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
