It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
