Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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