You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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