Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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