I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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