We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
