I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
