i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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