That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
nutella sex= disaster
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
