tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
