Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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