I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
