So drunk its hurt
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
