i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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