Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Please don't give away my fajitas
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
