I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
