Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
