So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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