btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize