The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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