My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
