The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
