The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize