Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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