A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
