I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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