That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
